Healing

Every single one of us need and want a relationship built on a foundation of love, trust and respect. It’s natural and it’s what we all deserve. Unfortunately, so many of us fall victim to Betrayal Trauma where the people who are supposed to protect and love us end up being our abusers. Gaslighting is not uncommon, causing us to become codependent and constantly seeking validation from our partner. Codependency and communication issues are just the tip of the iceberg when you are in a relationship with a narcissist. Other relationship problems include child abuse, pornography addiction, sex addiction and other domestic abuse issues. 

Definition: what is betrayal trauma theory?

Jennifer Freyd of the University of Oregon first proposed the theory of betrayal trauma. According to her, because of fear of confrontation, betrayed partners tend to shut out conscious recall of the narcissistic abuse they suffered. Even many, many years later. 

According to Freyd’s theory, any victims of betrayal trauma suppress their memories about the abuse they suffered. Freyd and her colleagues define this as , ““the lack of integration of thoughts, feelings, and experiences into the stream of consciousness.”

Betrayal trauma can severely affect your mental health leading to post-traumatic stress disorder. 

Betrayal trauma symptoms

Your emotional and physical health can severely affected by betrayal trauma. Depending on the type of abuse someone may have suffered, be it sexual abuse, child abuse or being abused by your partner, the effects can vary. Not everyone will experience trauma in the same way, similarly, people may not experience all these symptoms after falling victim.

• struggling to recognize, express, or manage emotions
• anxiety and depression
• nightmares and trouble with sleep
• constant guilt
• unable to control or understand own emotions
• physical pain or stomach and digestion problems
• panic attacks
• anger
• numbness
• thoughts of suicide
• trust issues
• low self esteem
• attachment issues
• eating disorders
• substance abuse

Betrayal trauma triggers

People who have suffered a psychological abuse at the hands of a “loved one” often experience triggers. Generally, these triggers are set off after reminders associated with what caused their emotional abuse. Seeing or experiencing other abusive behaviors can also cause a trauma trigger.

Some physical symptoms include feelings of nausea, fatigue, loss/increase of apatite, headaches, pelvic pain, disorientation, irregular body temperature or hot/cold flushes.

Betrayal trauma treatment

These things appear to help with healing after betrayal trauma:

• Physical Health: It is extremely important to eat correctly and to exercise. If your body is not in optimal physical condition, you can not properly begin the healing process. 
• Support Groups: Joining a weekly or even daily support group and talking to others who have had similar experiences to you can help you feel less alone and more empowered. Trauma recovery is not easy all on your own.
• Mental Health: Do not self medicate, try keeping a journal and spend time outdoors in healthy environments. Nature has a powerful way of helping with self-care!
• Success focus: By creating goals for yourself and achieving them, you will begin to realize your worth and take back your power as your self-confidence grows.

Betrayal trauma recovery stages

According to sexandrelationshiphealing.com, with support, it takes eighteen months to three years to recover from a betrayal trauma.

If you’ve suffered betrayal abuse in your life, this betrayal trauma recovery timeline could help you end the constant pain and betrayal you still feel today. 

1. Acceptance

Allowing yourself to feel again and accept what has happened to you. And then finding a way to not allow it to consume you. You will learn that it is not your fault for what happened to you.

2. Validate the Betrayal 

Get professional help from a counselor to help you with coping skills and outlets for your trauma so you do not ignore your emotions or project onto others

3. Trust in Your Intuition

Newfound trust in your intuition and learning to believe in yourself again. After being gaslighted or made to feel insane, your self esteem and trust in yourself will have dwindled. Allow yourself to trust YOU again.

4. Forgiveness

Once you have healed you are able to forgive and let completely go of anyone who has hurt you. You will begin realize your own powerful energy once more, by forgiving, you are allowing yourself to begin a new chapter in your life.

Where to find a betrayal trauma support group

• Sex and Relationship Healing Online Webinar and Support Group
• Video series by counselor, Sandy Wilson
• Pure Life Alliance
• Infidelity Care for Women Facebook Group
• S-Anon
• Hope Redefined Support Groups
• Betrayal Trauma Self-Assessment by Bloomforwomen.com
• Betrayal Trauma Self-Assessment by BTHJ
• Marriage Assessment by Focus on the Family
• Love Addicts Anonymous
• Pure Sex Radio: For women and men; topics include sex addiction
• Online Care Groups and One-on-One Coaching at Be Broken Ministries
• Bloom for Women: Secular site full of great information
• First Light Spouse Support Groups
• First Light Women’s Sexual Integrity Support Groups

Key takeaways

If you are suffering or experiencing any form of betrayal trauma and narcissistic abuse, be it because of a parent or partner, no matter how small the issue may feel to you right now, you are feeling the effects of abuse and complex trauma. Trauma recovery is a long road but if you allow yourself to find help and support, the healing process can be much shorter. Join a recovery group, speak to a good and trusted friend about emotional abuse you may have experienced. Nobody should have to suffer and feel incompetent because of a husband’s abuse or a mothers neglect. You deserve to be happy and you deserve to be healthy and free!

FAQs

How long does it take to recover from betrayal trauma?

According to sexandrelationshiphealing.com, with support, it takes eighteen months to three years to recover from a betrayal trauma.

Can you get PTSD from betrayal?

Yes, people who have suffered betrayal trauma can experience the classic signs of PTSD such as ongoing intrusive thoughts, unstable emotions, “searching” for stressors, feeling powerless, ashamed and broken, confusion and lack of self-worth. 

What does Betrayal Trauma feel like?

Betrayal trauma makes you feel like you’ve lost your mind. That’s what gaslighting is, when someone makes you feel like you are to blame and you are imagining the abuse happening to you. It puts you on an emotional rack which confuses you as it pulls you this way and that, until you end up submitting and accepting it. Betrayal Trauma will leave you feeling insecure, emotional and drained. 

Written by:
Jade Small

The First Nations of the world survived and thrived by using their intuitive knowledge of nature. They knew instinctively that every living thing on earth has a role to play and an equal right to enjoy the bounty Mother Nature offered. Even the druids and healers in early Europe and Asia understood the importance of maintaining nature’s balance.

Some of that knowledge survived, and in our recent history, more and more people discovered how to tap into their intuition by using pendulums and dowsing rods. Known as dowsers, these people continue to share their knowledge with the people of the world.
A very basic tool, a pendulum works by tapping into our intuition, higher self, spirit guides, or guardian angels, answering questions asked by the dowser, using predetermined signals for a yes, no, or maybe answer.

What Is Pendulum Dowsing?

A dowsing pendulum is a balanced, weighted object attached to a chain or string.  Pendulums have been used through the ages by many people to get answers, guidance, or to confirm pending decisions by asking questions that require only a yes or no answer. Keep your questions short and simple and could be helpful for quicker and stronger responses from the pendulum.

What is pendulum dowsing used for?

Pendulum dowsing can be a useful tool in many circumstances over and above using it to get clarity on personal issues such as relationships, health, careers, family matters and which car or house to buy.

Pendulum dowsing can also be used to try to find missing people, pets, or lost items by asking questions and using maps for greater accuracy especially in large areas and difficult terrain.

Searching for water, minerals, ley lines, underground pipes, gas, oil, burial sites, and other objects using pendulums and other dowsing tools such as dowsing rods have been used for centuries with remarkable success rates. Demand for water dowsers, in particular, has increased this century due to climate change concerns.  Pendulum dowsing is often used to survey maps prior to visiting the site.

Healing and energy work using a pendulum is not called dowsing. A pendulum can be used to clear negative energy from any space such as a house, room, even a vehicle. When used on the body, it can be used to unblock and balance chakras, identifying the location of disease, pain, or discomfort and narrowing it to down the possible cause of the dis-ease in relation to the location of the pain.

Best material for dowsing pendulum

Just about any item, with some weight to it, can be used to make a pendulum, and providing it can be attached to a length of cord or chain on one end. An ideal weight would be midway between 1-5 ounces, 4-5 ounces and above would be considered heavy, making it slow and sluggish to respond. Two ounces and under would make a very light pendulum, which could be very sensitive and react to the slightest muscle twitch or whisper of a breeze. If you make your own, check the stability and balance of your pendulum when hanging from its fixed point and make adjustments if necessary.  

Many seasoned dowsers started by making their dowsing pendulums using ordinary, everyday items such as a brass key, a steel nut, gemstone, glass bead, silver, or gold jewelry such as a ring or pendant. Not surprisingly, such items just so happen to be made from some of the same materials favored for pendulums. Metals, gemstones, crystals, and wood, all of which have different properties and energies ideal for pendulum dowsing.

Crystals absorb energy from their environment and should be cleansed regularly. The safest way to cleanse all pendulums is to put it outside or on a windowsill overnight during the full or new moon (they will be cleansed even if it’s overcast). Rinsing with running water can be useful for some crystals an metals don’t react well with water. Lighting a smudge stick and slowly moving the pendulum over it several times will also cleanse it. After cleansing, recharge the pendulum with your energy by holding it in your closed hand, rest the hand near your heart and show your appreciation by thanking for its help and guidance.

• Amethyst is known as the spiritual crystal and connects to the crown and third eye chakras. Its calming energy is beneficial for meditation and helps us connect to our intuition and our spirit guides. Amethyst gives us clarity, inner peace, understanding, and strength.
• Clear Quartz is known as a universal healing crystal, used for healing the mind and whole body. This powerful crystal amplifies clarity of awareness and thoughts, transmits positive energy throughout the body, and helps us connect to our higher selves and our spirit guides.
• Rose Quartz is known as the stone of the heart and teaches us to love ourselves and others unconditionally, to forgive, have compassion and empathy. Rose quartz will open our hearts to receive, give, and express love and our emotions. It can teach us to love and trust ourselves, be confident, and appreciate our worth.
• Metal pendulums made from silver, gold, copper, aluminum, steel, and iron are the most effective energy conductors making them excellent for dowsing. Their magnetic energies generally produce a strong indication in response to questions.
• Wood pendulums are often beautifully carved but overall don’t have nor retain energy, resulting in weaker indication compared to metals, gemstones, and crystal pendulums. Wrapping copper or silver wire around a wood pendulum may improve its response. 

Are pendulum shapes important?

Dowsing goes back a long way in history, with Moses being perhaps the most famous and successful water dowser for finding water in the desert. His dowsing or divination tool may have been flexible papyrus fronds, the earliest known pendulums. Papyrus fronds, a humble divination tool centuries ago, evolved into the beautiful pendulums of today, made from a variety of materials and available in many shapes and colors. Perhaps successful dowsing is more about the ability of the dowser to tune into higher self or spirit, rather than the materials used or shape it happens to be. That said, every one of us, learners or masters of this amazing skill, are spoiled for choice. Whatever our choice, may we do well for the greater good.

Chambered or Caged Pendulums

These pendulums are often miniature works of art, baskets made with intricate metal wire work with a latch to open, or a solid metal chamber with a lid. Both ideal for including written intentions, crystals, herbs, or meaningful items, to inspire and focus the dowser. 

Teardrop Pendulums

The beauty of the teardrop shape is in its simplicity. Its an ideal shape for a pendulum with a smooth swing, and an easy DIY project using teardrop crystal, glass, or metal beads. 

Sephoroton Pendulums

Spherical pendulums are available in different metals, gemstones, glass, and wood. Finished with a metal headpin for attaching the chain or cord, and a metal tip at its base. Sphere pendulums are sensitive to energy vibrations and give a strong indication. 

How to use a pendulum: 8 Pendulum dowsing techniques

Once you have found a pendulum that resonates with you, and before you start dowsing, you need to cleanse, recharge, and program it.
Pendulums should be cleaned regularly, preferably before and after dowsing. Crystals and quartz crystals, in particular, absorb energies from their environment. Some of those energies may not be wholesome and could adversely affect your pendulum’s response to questions.

• Cleanse your pendulum

To cleanse your pendulums safely, regardless of the materials it is made of, you can use any of the following methods:

Leave your pendulum in the light of the full or new moon overnight. The moon’s energy will do its work even when it is overcast, and as a bonus, also charge your crystals.

Use a white sage smudging stick or a singing bowl.

If you have a garden, bury it in the soil for the day.

• Charge your pendulum

While the moon may have charged your pendulum during cleansing, you should charge it with your energy too. To do so, sit comfortably and hold the pendulum in your closed hands, close your eyes, and breathe deeply for a few minutes, focusing your energy on the pendulum for a while. While you are connecting with your pendulum, ask your higher self, spirit guides or angels, for their guidance to protect you and your pendulum from negative energies. Once charged, keep it in a safe place, in a pouch, or wear it as a pendant.

• Program your pendulum

This initial programming is to determine the signals your pendulum will use to answer your questions. Usually, this needs to be done only once, after its first cleansing.

Sit quietly and comfortably with your feet flat on the ground. With your thumb and forefinger pointing downward, hold the cord of the pendulum about 2-4 inches above the top of the pendulum. Allow it to swing naturally, then place the palm of your free hand under it. Ask it to show you its YES. Use the back of the hand to ask for its NO sign. Remove the hand, and ask for its MAYBE sign.

In most cases, a front to back swing will indicate a YES and a side to side a NO. Alternatively, the YES may be a clockwise circle and an anticlockwise circle a NO. The MAYBE should then indicate a swing when the YES/NO is a circular movement and vise versa.

Verify the response signals by asking a few ‘known truth’ questions, such as:
Was I born in the city of x?;  Do I have x siblings?; Is the color of my hair x?

• Prepare your space

You may want to write down the questions you want to ask before you start and note the response to them during or after the session.

In the early stages of dowsing, it is helpful to work from a table where you can sit comfortably and have space for your prepared questions, a pen to add notes, perhaps some candles, incense and a few of your favorite crystals. The flat surface is ideal for resting your elbow on to keep your it steady, and the pendulum still. 

• Center yourself

Sit in the dowsing space you prepared, or nearby, and take time to breathe and meditate holding your pendulum in your dominant hand. 

Become aware of your surroundings, hear the sounds, feel the air on your skin, and see your thoughts drift away and disappear like mist in the sun. Feel the tension and stress melt away as your body relaxes, your mind becomes still, and you connect with your higher self. Introduce your higher self to your pendulum, visualizing a white light flowing from your hands from your higher self into the pendulum. 

When you’re ready, you can go ahead and program the source.

• Program the source 

By tapping into your higher self, instead of getting answers from our subconscious mind, you’ll get them directly from the source, your intuition, and your higher self.
While still holding your pendulum in your dominant hand, in your own words, say something like: “I call upon my higher self, for the greater good of all, to share through the pendulum I hold in my hand, only the absolute truth in the answers I seek.”

Repeat the source programming before each dowsing session.

• Questions and Answers

The questions you ask must be asked in a way to prompt a yes/no or ‘maybe’ answer, they should be specific and contain detailed information to avoid confusion. Write your questions down and edit and rephrase them until they make sense, and the pendulum gives a strong signal when you ask.
Include important information regarding the when, what, where, who, why, and how. For example, asking, ‘is there a traffic jam on the road to town?’ has a high probability of a yes response, simply because the pendulum will know many towns will have traffic jams at the time you asked, even though your town might be free-flowing. The question did not include the when (time), where (town’s name), or what (route).

When asking questions, you may find yourself thinking about the answers instead of focusing on the question. To break the habit, close your eyes and repeat the question in your head, then look at the pendulum swing to see your answer.

When the answer is different from the indicators you pendulum showed during programming, ask a known truth question to test. If the answer is correct, rephrase the original question, if not, you may have to cleanse and reprogram your pendulum.

• Clear your pendulum

When your pendulum answered your question, thank it or touch it with your free hand to let it know you are ready to ask another question. When the dowsing session is over, hold it in your palm for a few minutes, praise it for a job well done, and put it in its safe place.

Dowsing pendulum chart

At first sight, pendulum charts may seem intimidating and complicated, and some are. Fortunately, those interested in learning this skill will find plenty of dowsing charts that are simple and straightforward to start practicing.

The basic principles used for pendulum dowsing also apply to dowsing pendulum charts, with a few exceptions, 1. You’re not limited to yes/no answers, 2. Pendulums with pointed tips are preferred since it’s easier to see where on the chart it is indicating, 3. The pendulum you use for dowsing charts doesn’t need to be programmed to determine its signal.

Your questions still need to be specific and detailed, and your pendulum will use the choices on the chart and provide answers with much more detail than with yes/no.

Dowsing charts are useful for addressing health issues, personal growth, space clearing, and any other subject you may want to explore further.

Use the half-circle Alpha-Numeric pendulum chart to ask questions where you need names, dates, or quantities. With the blank templates, you can create multiple-choice charts for a multitude of uses. For instance, you may want to determine which of the health supplements you are currently using have positive, negative, or no effect on your health and well-being.
Write the names of the supplements on the chart, spacing them evenly if you don’t have enough to fill the chart.

The same question can be used for determining which supplement suits your needs best. Simply change a word or two: ”Which of these products provide my body with the (best/2nd best/least) minerals and vitamins I need at this time?

A pendulum with a pointed end will make it easier to determine the answers. Before you start dowsing, apply the same steps as you would for pendulum dowsing but skip the yes/no programming.

When ready, sit at a table with both feet flat on the floor. Put the chart in front of you, with the arrow at the bottom pointing away from you. Hold your pendulum between your thumb and forefinger pointing downward, place your elbow on the table for stability, and arch your wrist slightly. Let your pendulum hang about an inch above the hinge point, just above the arrow, at the bottom of the chart, and start asking your questions.

Here are some Dowsing Charts to download and print.

List of questions to ask a pendulum

You can ask your pendulum for answers on any topic you can think of just for the joy of it but more often than not, we need clarity on matters of the heart, our jobs, where we spend so much of our time, and how we end up using our hard-earned money. Below are samples of questions to get you started on finding some answers.

Career

A Clear Quartz pendulum can provide clarity of mind and help you see the truth behind situations. Pyrite, or Fools Gold, can help you use your ideas to make your fortune. Agate helps you to see the bigger picture as well as the good and bad of situations. An excellent stone when you’re starting a new phase in life, like a new career or relationship. 

• Is it time for me to find a new employer to advance my career?
• Is now a good time to ask for a promotion at work?
• Will completing a course in X be beneficial for me to start an online business?
• Do I have what it takes to be a mentor to a junior colleague?
• Is now a good time to take time off from work to plan my future?
• If I apply for a start-up loan, would it be beneficial at this time?

Love

Definitely a subject most of us would have loads of questions to ask. Try a peaceful Amethyst crystal pendulum to connect to the wisdom of your higher self. Gentle Rose Quartz is the stone of the heart, opening your heart to unconditional love for yourself and others. Another heart stone, Malachite helps to heal a broken hearts, and Moonstone’s glow helps to calm troubled relationships, and encourage new love to bloom. 

• Is X ready to commit to a long-term relationship with me at this time?
• Are X’s parents happy with his choice of me as his partner
• Have I already met my soulmate in this lifetime?
• Is X my soulmate?
• Am I ready to start dating again?
• Is Reiki chakra cleansing a suitable method to help me get over my breakup with X?

Buying

Rhodonite encourages foresight and planning and guides you towards good investment choices. If things go south, it will keep you calm and give you the courage to stay the course. Citrine personifies positivity and aids intuitive perception and growth, personally, in relationships, and financially. 

• If I invest in X company stock, should I buy today for optimal profits?
• If I put in an offer on the house I viewed in X street before noon today, will the seller accept my offer?
• Is the previously owned X car I saw advertised for sale online in good, sound condition?
• Is it worth making the trip to the X thrift store at this time to look for the items I need to complete the room I’m decorating?
• When is the best time to book my flight to X?
• If I buy that X I’ve wanted for so long, will I end up with buyer’s remorse?

How accurate is pendulum dowsing?

Dowsing is a learned skill and some people are able to tune into their intuition quicker than others and improve and develop their skills faster. Even so, their accuracy might not be as high as a experienced dowser, nor necessarily higher than someone just starting to dowse.

Some may argue that the pendulum is always right and that it is more likely that the question is not clear or specific enough. While short and basic questions work well for truth testing, questions with more specific detail are likely to yield accurate results more frequently. It is worth writing your questions down and rewriting them if necessary making sure the answers can only be a yes or no. It will get easier with practice.

Including specific details such as the ‘why, when, what, who, where, and how’, into questions could result in getting accurate answers more frequently.  For example: ”Is the x diet healthy for me, to start at this time, to help me reach my target of losing 10lb of weight over 6 months?”

A dowser can also subconsciously affect the pendulum’s answer when they are biased or have a preferred answer to the question. If this is the case, have someone else dowse the question for you.

In a world overflowing with high-tech communication gadgets, sending and receiving more information than we could ever which to absorb, an ancient communication tool has risen from the ashes with access to information no high-tech gadget could replicate. 

The art of pendulum dowsing has made an astonishing recovery in recent decades, needing nothing more than the dowser and a pendulum to communicate through. It can be as simple as a steel nut tied to string or as exquisite as a precious gem set in gold or silver, the mode of communication remains the same. A tool to connect the dowser with his or her intuition, or higher self, to ask questions and receive answers on any subject.

A pendulum is also used for healing, unblocking and balancing chakras using Reiki techniques, space clearing by identifying and clearing harmful energies. Communicating with animals, finding missing people and pets, lost property and underground water, minerals, artifacts, to name just a few of this little marvel’s uses.

FAQs

What does it mean when a pendulum swings back and forth?

For most right-handed dowsers, a back and forth swing of a pendulum is a ‘yes’ answer, and a side to side swing their a ‘no’ signal. Some pendulums signal a circular clockwise for ‘yes’ and anti-clockwise for ‘no’. For the left-handed, it usually indicates the opposite.

When you initially program your pendulum, you may ask that it uses your preference of a particular signal to answer your questions.

Can you use a necklace as a pendulum?

Absolutely! A necklace pendant can be ideal to use as a pendulum, especially if it’s crystal, a gemstone, metal, or a combination thereof. By wearing the pendant, you’ll keep it safe and charged with your energy.
Check that your pendant is well balanced by grasping the chain about 1 inch above its top between your thumb and index finger facing down, and the rest of the chain held in your hand. Release the pendulum to dangle to determine if it’s balanced. The heavier the pendulum, the slower it will swing, while a very light one might be overly sensitive and move too fast, erratically, or be affected by the slightest muscle movement.

Why does my pendulum give wrong answers?

When a pendulum gives wrong answers to questions you know the answer to, it might simply need cleansing and recharging, especially if it’s crystal. After cleansing, hold the pendulum in your hand and charge it by keeping close to your body while you take some deep breaths and relax with it before trying again.

Dowsing when feeling stressed, being biased, or emotional about the answer, the pendulum may give the correct answer, but not the expected answer. Often, the question itself may be unclear or incomplete. Reword the question and try again.

Another reason for wrong answers, or opposite answers in this instance, may be due to the dowser’s body having reversed polarity. Dehydration, emotional stress, lack of minerals in our bodies, or living in a geopathic stress zone which disrupts Earth’s electromagnetic field can affect humans, animals, and plants in various ways, including shifting our polarity.

To reverse the polarity shift, keep well hydrated and have your mineral levels checked. Doing the ‘thymus thump’ by tapping your breastbone with your fist several times, with the intention of restoring your polarity, is said to restore  polarity quite quickly. Test your pendulum with a known answer question, and redo the thumping exercise if the answer is still wrong.

Why does my pendulum shake?

Shaky and erratic pendulum movements may indicate that you are not ready for the answer, not tuned into your higher self, or you’re asking the wrong questions.
Take a break keeping your pendulum in your hand. Meditate and relax your body and mind. When you’re ready, rephrase your questions and give it another go.

Written by:
Jade Small