Self Discovery

Mindfulness is being in the present moment, paying attention to where we are, our physical sensations, and the environment around us, without judgment and complete acceptance of reality as it stands in the here and now. We live busy lives in an increasingly busy world and seldom realize that we are doing one thing and thinking about another, or several other things in a row. We could be writing a memo at work when we get distracted, thinking about our shopping list for dinner, or what gift to get for a friend. Being in the present moment slows time. By focusing on one task at a time before starting the next one, we reduce our levels of stress and depression and increase our feeling of well-being.

Once we start practicing mindfulness, we soon become aware of its value, the benefits of mindfulness, and its importance to our health and well-being.

Why is mindfulness important?

Practicing mindfulness can play an important role in improving our overall health and lives. Research shows positive results can occur soon after starting mindfulness techniques and be beneficial to our emotional, mental, and physical health.

Being mindful can help us focus our attention on the moment and observe our feelings without making judgments, enabling us to keep our emotions in check and lessen our levels of stress, anxiety, and depression. As a result, we’ll improve our communication and decision-making skills, increase our self-esteem, be more positive and happier. Our professional and everyday lives, including our relationships in both, are also likely to improve.

What are the benefits of mindfulness? Here are 8 scientific health benefits:

The objective of practicing mindfulness is to keep our minds focused on the here and now and let go of distracting thoughts without acknowledging them. Our minds and our bodies will become calm and relaxed, decrease our stress levels which in turn can lower our risk of heart disease and high blood pressure, help us manage pain better, and improve our sleep.

Dr. John Denninger, director of research at the Harvard-affiliated Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital, said: “Not only can meditation improve how your heart functions, but regular practice can enhance your outlook on life and motivate you to maintain many heart-healthy behaviors, like following a proper diet, getting adequate sleep, and keeping up regular exercise.”

Mental health benefits of mindfulness (How does mindfulness affect the brain?)

1.  Improved attention

Research has found that meditation training over just four days can result in an increased attention span, focus, working memory, mental agility, and alertness. It also showed an increase in executive functioning, visuospatial processing, and mindfulness, as well as a reduction in anxiety and fatigue.

2. Regulate stress and anxiety

We are living our lives in the fast lane, under pressure to do more and better at home and work, resulting in higher levels of stress, anxiety, and depression, worldwide. By practicing mindfulness meditation regularly, we can help manage and reduce the effects of stress on the mind and body, an important step towards better health and well-being. 

According to a review of 47 clinical trials, mindfulness meditation programs showed “small improvements in stress/distress and the mental health component of health-related quality of life.”  Yet another study found that practicing mindfulness can reduce levels of cortisol, the stress, or ”fight or flight” hormone.

3. Growing brain

MRI scans have enabled scientists to observe how the brain changes from before, shortly after, and at predetermined intervals after people first started practicing mindfulness. Evidence shows that particular areas of the brain may shrink or grow with regular mindfulness practice.
For example, the grey matter in the brain’s amygdala, responsible for stress, became less active and could shrink. The grey matter in the brain’s pre-frontal cortex had shown increased activity and may become thicker. This area is responsible for planning, problem-solving, emotions, and creativity. The hippocampus the center of our memory and learning could also experience growth with increased activity. 

4. Slower cognitive decline

Studies have already shown that regular practice of mindfulness meditation and reduced stress levels can bring about positive changes to the brain.

A 2010-2011 pilot study at Beth Israel Deaconess Medical Center on healthy subjects with Mild Cognitive Impairment (MCI) and Alzheimer’s disease suggests that positive changes to the brain could assist in slowing the progression of age-related cognitive disorders.

After an 8-week Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) program of those who took part in the program showed less cognitive decline compared to those who did not participate in the program. The participants in the MBSR program also reported increased levels of well-being.

Physical benefits of mindfulness (How does mindfulness affect the body?)

1. Maintain heart health

Studies have shown that practicing meditation daily can improve blood circulation, lower the heart rate and blood pressure, and help maintain a healthy heart. Furthermore, a study published by  Psychosomatic Medicine indicates that regular meditators often have lower levels of lipid peroxide compared to non-meditators. Lipid peroxide is a compound that binds with fats and cholesterol to form a plaque build-up in and on artery walls, and restricting blood flow, resulting in atherosclerosis. Plaque build-up can block blood flow completely, or the plaque ruptures and causes a blood clot, which can happen anywhere in the body.

2. Stronger immune system

Our immune system plays a crucial role in our body, without which we won’t survive for long. This intricate system consists of an immeasurable number of biological processes and structures with only one function, to fight disease and protect us from foreign organisms. A 2003 study at the University of Wisconsin-Madison showed that regular practice of mindfulness seemed to strengthen the functions of the immune system and also promotes long term positive changes within the brain.

3. Manage chronic pain

Millions of people worldwide suffer from chronic pain, be it from long-term debilitating conditions such as cancer, fibromyalgia, and arthritis, or an injury after an accident, to injured veterans struggling with post-traumatic stress syndrome (PTSD). The answer to reducing their need for pain medication may be through the use of ancient techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, yoga, tai chi, or variations thereof.

We all experience and feel pain differently, influenced by our genetics, emotions, personality, or experience in the past. Research suggests that since both the mind and body are involved in pain, mind-body therapies may reduce pain by changing the way we perceive pain.

Research is currently focused on finding alternative ways of managing chronic pain and supplementary methods to reduce total dependence on pain medication.

4. Mindfulness in education

Mindfulness programs have been part of the curriculum in many schools across the world for several years, and more schools are signing up to introduce mindfulness programs to their students.

Mindfulness in schools can help by improving academic results, increasing children’s mental health, and encouraging resilience and character building. 

ClassDojo conducted a survey in the U.S., U.K., and Australia in which 3,000 parents and 2,500 teachers participated in March 2019. The results were overwhelmingly in favor of mindfulness programs in schools. Several studies have shown how children benefit from mindfulness by reducing stress levels and other important. Numerous studies have shown how mindfulness helps children reduce their stress levels – as well as other benefits, such as developing their concentration and patience. Many schools have started focusing their energies and resources on strengthening these key elements and promoting overall well-being for their students.

Continued in-depth studies show positive results for both students and teachers in all levels of education. 

What are the spiritual benefits of mindfulness?

1. Self awareness

As we become more mindful, our physical, emotional, and intuitive senses become strong, and we can reach self-awareness and know and understand who we are.
Self-awareness is not about our looks, education, career, or status in society but an intuitive knowing of you. Our strengths, emotions, beliefs, motivation, and our weaknesses, acknowledging it all, and continue our spiritual journey.
Each person’s spiritual journey is different, and there is no set path to follow. By tuning into our heightened senses, we will find the right path to take while our personal growth continues.

2. Unconditional love

As we continue our journey in the spirit of mindfulness, present in each moment, we can experience our world like never before. Vividly and joyfully, from the sand between our toes to the stars in the night sky. Our hearts and spirit, filled with unconditional love for our planet and all who dwell on her, including ourselves.
As our empathy and compassion increase, we would want to help the disenfranchised and save our planet, and perhaps our creativity will find a way for us to make a difference. On days where we are feeling lost in life – this unconditional self love can help lead the way. With each new step we take we embrace each moment with love in our hearts and joy in our souls, and our spiritual growth continues. 

Mindfulness benefits: Key takeaways

Since the 1970s, clinical psychology and psychiatry developed several therapeutic practices based on mindfulness to help people with a variety of psychological conditions. Over the decades, the practice of mindfulness has successfully helped sufferers to reduce depression, stress, and anxiety. With medical imaging technology, in particular, scientists can see the results of in-depth studies and the effects mindfulness has in the emotional, mental, and physical areas of the body.

Mindfulness programs are now also used in education, hospitals, VA centers, prisons, and elsewhere with overall positive outcomes for participants, and as an aid to healthy aging, weight management, athletic performance, and to help children with special needs.

For anyone looking to improve and maintain good health, practicing mindfulness would be a step in the right direction. From 10-minute breathing exercises focusing on the breath to combinations of mindfulness exercises and meditation, yoga, tai chi, and repetitive sport such as swimming, running and cycling.

Find the mindfulness techniques and other principles or combinations you would like to try and change them if they don’t work for you. Even if you only do a few minutes daily, anywhere you happen to be is a step towards improving your quality of life.

FAQs

Does mindfulness actually work?

Mindfulness meditation has been practiced since ancient times by Buddhists and became popular in the western world and adapted to suit western culture, around the 1970s. Since then psychologists and neuroscientists have studied its effects on patients with some success shown in decreasing levels of stress and depression. With more recent advances in medical imaging, such as MRI scans, scientist have observed changes to brain function relating to reduced stress and depression, improved memory, recall and moods to name a few. 

What are the 4 foundations of mindfulness? 

The four foundations are: 1. Mindfulness of the body (the present moment), being fully aware of being in your body such as breathing, posture, and movement of and within the body; 2. Mindfulness of Feeling (vedana), paying attention to the senses, touch, smell, taste, sound and sight, for example: the feeling of a breeze on your skin, or hearing a dog bark and so on; 3. Mindfulness of Mind, being aware of thoughts and emotions without reacting to or judging them and just letting them go. This helps to calm your mind and lowers stress levels; 4. Mindfulness of Mental qualities (dharmas), paying attention to the complete experience, including any mental qualities that emerge.

What is an example of mindfulness?

Mindfulness is maintaining a moment-by-moment awareness of our thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and the surrounding environment. Without reacting or making judgement our thoughts remain in the present moment.

How quickly does mindfulness work?

 Practicing mindfulness is definitely not a quick fix and the more you practice mindfulness, the better the results may be. Studies have found that as little as 10-minutes of mindful breathing could lower stress levels. Regular mindfulness practice could provide longer lasting positive effects in emotional, mental and physical health. 

What is a mindful person?

Being mindful means being aware of your thoughts, sensations and emotions without reacting or judgment. Being more mindful and in the present moment without distraction enables you to enjoy the present, similar to the old quote: ”Stop a moment and smell the roses”. 

Written by:
Jade Small

What is the divine feminine?

Regardless of gender, we all have masculine and feminine energy, known as the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine, (yin and yang), in our spirit. 

The Divine Feminine represents life itself and is associated with creation, nurture, intuition and empathy, and so much more, in each and every one of us.

While women were mostly comfortable with their masculine side, men learned from an early age to suppress their feminine side, shamed and bullied into believing it to be a sign of weakness. Women started neglecting their feminine side too, favoring their masculine side, for the sake of education, careers and success and survival in what had long been a ‘mans world’. 

To restore the balance all genders, we all need to work on awakening our feminine energy and bring it into the light, as the rightful equal to our masculine energy in our efforts to reverse the chaos created by the imbalance. When balanced, Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine form the Spirit of Life and work together in perfect harmony.

What is divine feminine energy?

The Divine Feminine energy, first and foremost, is a creative force that brings everything into existence. In Nature we see this creation of life every day. When the Divine feminine  in a woman receives a seed from the Divine Masculine, she will nurture into a physical body for a conscious being, the masculine and the feminine energy, to occupy. 

The right side of our brains link to our Divine feminine energy and the left to our Divine masculine energy. Our feminine energy provides us with empathy, intuition and a need for continued spiritual growth. The strong sense of justice, balance and morality of our Divine feminine energy encourages us to look beyond what appears to be the truth. 

In general, women are more advanced emotionally and have a stronger awareness of their thoughts and feelings, and more vulnerable and open to intimacy. Men, more so than women, need to work on awakening their feminine energy to tap into their emotions and the joys of intimacy.

The Divine Feminine works at the subconscious and has no need to become aggressive in order to achieve what it wants to, which explains why most women prefer using passive resistance through manipulation to avoid heated arguments and confrontations. This feminine energy trait is usually successful in resolving conflict peacefully.

Another of the feminine qualities comes in the form of multifaceted personalities. Women have many roles in life, as wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, carer, mentor, teacher and all the occupations and services we can think of. Our creative energy gifts us with the ability to change to fit the needs of each while our feminine energy gives us the ability to play the many roles, and the personality traits to be successful in each of them.

What is divine feminine awakening?

There was a time when the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine where accepted as equals and honored as sacred. Over time, as empires grew, wars were fought for territory and riches. As the men of war started ignoring their feminine energy, the masculine energy grew stronger, fueled by its shadow side. 

The greed, destruction and cruelty has multiplied to such an extent that there is nowhere on earth not affected by the ongoing greed, destruction cruelty of the men who wield the power. fed by the shadow side of the Divine Masculine to a point where Mother Earth and all who call her home could be annihilated. 

The awakening of the Divine Feminine saw some progress over several decades with the rise of feminism, the fight for equal rights for all, continued efforts to improve the lives of minorities, the disenfranchised and worldwide efforts to reverse climate change. Yet, we’ve hardly scratched the surface.

For the sake of humanity and Earth, we all, regardless of our gender identity, need to awaken the Divine feminine within us and with our collective efforts, free the Divine feminine to reclaim her rightful place as equal to her counterpart. Not only that, we need to make the same effort to connect to our Divine masculine and bring him out from his shadow side and into the light too. Only then will we be able to restore the balance for our ourselves, all of humanity and Earth.

Awakening the divine Feminine: How to awaken this energy within yourself

1. Channel your inner Divine Mother

Through the ages, the Great Mother has been depicted in the likeness of the Virgin Mary, Lakshmi, Isis, Sophia, Mother Nature and Kali and others. You inner Divine Mother holds much wisdom, connect with her using your intuition and creativity. Drawing, painting, writing, dream and mirror work could help develop a deep connection with your inner Divine Mother. Honor her by creating an image of her and keep it in a special place where you can draw inspiration from her.

2. Letting go of pain surrounding femininity

For our feminine energy to grow and mature it is important for us to understand how we feel about our feminine aspects and why.

Throughout their lives women were led to believe that neither their inner nor their outer aspects of themselves are good enough. On the outside, they were expected to improve their looks by whatever means possible and hide their true, natural beauty. On the inside, they had to suppress their feminine energy by not being emotional, express curiosity or enthusiasm and hide their intelligence, to name a few. For many, such pressure left them feeling it was a case of conform or be shunned from society at large.

Since we all, whichever gender we identify with, need to nurture our feminine energy, personal wounds may go and even deeper, usually related to the relationship we had with our mothers. Any negative experiences with our mothers could have caused deep and painful wounds resulting in mistrust of and a disconnect with our divine feminine. 

Only when we work through these negatives and understand how they affected us, we can start working on embracing our female energy and letting go of the pain. 

3. Tune into your emotions

So many of us have stifled our emotions for far too long. It goes against the grain of society to show our feelings. In fact, some, if not all, of our emotions may have been suppressed for so long we can’t even name them. For those of us unable to put a name to how we feel, we can find an ’emotions chart’ online, print it out and keep track of your feelings daily that way.

By connecting to our feminine energy and tuning into our emotions, we can discover who we really are. Take a moment to ask ourselves how we are feeling and review the situation that caused the feeling. Keeping a journal or using a emotions chart will help to see our progress in bringing our emotions back into our lives.

4. Cultivate your intuition

A core Divine Feminine quality is intuition, which emanates from our heart and soul. Due to our disconnect from our feminine energy and giving preference to our left brain, we may no longer understand or trust our intuition.

Our Intuition communicate with us in many different ways, by sending clues to our senses, eyes, ears, nose, mouth, stomach, skin and elsewhere in our bodies. Images may be in the form of flash images, or a video clip, have ”gut” feeling in our stomach, a sudden thought or hear words. Other common examples include the hair at the back of your neck raising, goosebumps on your arms, a distinct taste in your mouth or an unexplained or familiar smell, suddenly feeling uneasy or inexplicably happy. In all cases, ask you intuition for more information if you don’t understand. 

Meditation is an excellent way to calm the mind and relax the body and tune into your intuition. Try to make it a daily habit and spend 10-15 minutes connecting with your intuition, the more often you do, the easier it will be to recognize messages. When asking  your questions be specific about the information you want. Make it a regular practice to capture your intuition sessions in a journal, writing is a great way to access your intuition and keep a record of its wisdom.  

5. Be present

Like so many of our other traits, our ability of being present and in the moment has also suffered neglect. While the masculine energy is all about doing, the feminine energy is about being able to slow down, live in the moment and being open to enjoying the little things and practice being grateful. Keep a gratitude journal to creatively express your gratitude in words and drawings.

Your right brain might protest against the idea of slowing down. Be patient and keep trying, it’s absolutely worth it.

6. Practice self-love 

Learning to love ourselves is an integral part of connecting with our Divine feminine. We tend to be our own worst critic by focusing on our perceived failures in life, relationships, careers or lack thereof, as well as our physical features. 

Mirror work is a powerful way to practice self-love. Most of us look in a mirror at least once a day, usually with a critical eye. Quit that habit by standing in front of your mirror daily, look into your eyes and repeat positive affirmations to yourself. These could be any loving and positive words such as, ‘I love you’, ‘I see you’, ‘I forgive you’, ‘you are beautiful’ and smile at yourself. When you pass a mirror during the day, acknowledge yourself with a wink, a smile or silently repeat an affirmation. 

7. Honor and protect Mother Earth

The Divine Feminine is the epitome of Earth. The creator of life who provides us with all we need to flourish. Every day she shares her beauty, joy, love and Divinity with us, and she makes it so easy for us to connect with her. Simply go outside and enjoy the wind and the clouds, the trees, birds, the flowers and bees, the colors and hues that surround you and the smells in the air.

We can show our appreciation and honor Mother Earth by protecting her and keeping her healthy. We all need to commit to living  low-waste, sustainable and ethical lives and encourage and help our communities to do so as well. 

Divine feminine awakening symptoms

For most of us, the spiritual journey of self-discovery and connecting to our Divine feminine energy may have been a long and arduous one, filled with doubts, frustration and much pain. Suddenly we may have a strong feeling of well-being, and experience the awakening of our Divine feminine with a surge of high positive energy levels as we embrace our sacred feminine and the positive traits of the masculine energy to achieve balance we’ve been seeking.

While none of us are likely to experience our awakening in the same way, here are some signs that the Divine feminine within you are awakening: 

• You have a stronger feelings of empathy and compassion for yourself and others 
• You have a strong desire to connect with more females
• You feel drawn to the arts as a way to express yourself
• You have no need for competing against and judging others
• You understand that your true power comes through self-love and self-care 
• You have increased unconditional love and acceptance of yourself and others
• You have a deeper connection with your higher-self 
• You have increased feelings of joy and happiness
• You have a deeper connection with our body and sensuality

List of Divine feminine energy characteristics, qualities & traits

To be whole and balanced again, it is essential that we honor and connect with both sides of our nature, the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine. Woman have to reclaim their power and men need to embrace their Divine feminine energy.

No matter our culture or sexual orientation, we all need to step up and create the change we need within ourselves.

The earth mother

The Mother is one of the characteristics of the Divine feminine. The Mother nurtures us, gives us shelter, food and water, just as the Earth does. She provides support and advice for those with problems. The mother is wise and intelligent with an intuitive sense for solving problems, an inherent sense of spirituality which enables her to help others connect to and understand their spirituality.  

The fuel of life

The Divine feminine is linked to water, the element for emotions, also called the fuel of life. Women are usually more in touch with their emotions and expressing them is a sign of maturity. 

Where men see weakness, lies true strength. Those connected to their emotions have a stronger link to their intuition which, listens to the messages the heart sends it and reacts without bias

Healing, an vital attribute, is also linked to emotions and to love in particular. 

The creative force

The Divine feminine is the personification of creativity. All creative art is accessed by the artist from their spiritual connection with the feminine energy. From sculpting, music, photography, creative writing, drawing and painting, dance, even chalk pavement art and our drawings as a child. Creativity also connects to our sensuality and sexuality. Women have the ability to connect men to their vulnerability and openness to express their creative force, sexual energy, in a healthy way.

Key takeaways

For millennia, the masculine energy has ruled our world without the feminine energy as was intended, and all was well. Suppressing the feminine energy within themselves, the masculine caused an imbalance in the spirit, resulting in chaos on earth.

A great spiritual effort is being made by people of all cultures and genders across the world to re-balance the Divine feminine within them for the collective good of the planet and humanity.

To awaken the Divine feminine within us we need to connect with our spirit through our feminine energy and work with her to balance our own energy.

Although may be difficult at times there are some steps we can take that will bring us closer to spirit by just being in the moment. One being to get outside and into nature, a park, a garden, a forest, a mountain or even a rooftop from where you can see beyond the concrete. Make direct contact with the earth by walking barefoot when possible. Find a quiet place to sit and bask in the splendor around you, hear the sounds of birds, animals and insects, observe the sky, the clouds, trees and flowers, feel the wind on your skin and the earth beneath you.

Soon you’ll feel a calmness wash over you, feel it with all your senses and in your heart and celebrate the beauty within you and around you; make time to do the things you love to do, tap into your creative side, bake a cake, draw and paint, write a poem; learn how to recognize and express your emotions, and very importantly, take care of yourself. 

Written by:
Jade Small

Love is not something we can see and it’s definitely not something we can physically touch or hold onto but, it is something most people want, to love and be loved. Far too many people grew up without ever having experienced love, perhaps with a single parent working two jobs, just too exhausted to notice the need. Could be they grew up in a toxic and abusive home environment, scared and confused of what love might mean.

So why is it so hard to find love, and keep it? Many people are under the misconception that finding their love should happen as they do in fairy-tales script: the hero saves the princess, they get married and ride off into the sunset… of course they are disappointed with the real life version and unless they are willing to come to terms with 21st century dating.

Making a list of the qualities you want in a partner is a good thing, but lists can be incredibly unrealistic and unachievable, except for that prince or princess. It’s important to keep an open mind and lighten up!

When it comes to online dating, there are so many ‘matches,’ and seekers have become too picky to make a choice, or if they do, they all choose the best looking and most successful.

Why is it so hard to find love?

The pain of heartbreak

The advice of getting back on the horse after a fall does not bode well for a broken heart, neither would isolating ourselves from friends and family, or the world at large. Heartbreak is traumatic and an emotional blow to our system, much as the sudden passing of a loved one would be.

A breakup could put us in a dark place emotionally where we’d rather stay than go through such pain again. For your survival and future happiness it is essential go work through your loss, starting with cutting all ties with your ex by deleting and blocking them from your phone and social media, and don’t be tempted to message them, ever. 

Be gentle with yourself and take the time you need to work through the feelings of loss, denial, anger, depression to get to acceptance and move. You’re allowed to cry, rant and rage, analyze, cry some more and share with close friends who will listen without judging, provide comfort and encouragement and make you laugh again. 

Don’t lug your emotional baggage around with you, it will drag you down into the depths of despair where your heart may shrivel and your self-esteem and confidence never recover. Seriously, don’t put off working through your loss. Each relationship and breakup has something to teach us and we emerge from the lessons learned stronger, more confident and able to make better choices in life and relationships. 

So get out there and rediscover yourself by doing the things you enjoy most and trying things you’ve always wanted to. While you’re out there having fun and not stressing about love, you’ll have a positive mind-set and in a good place to meet people with the same interests.

The fear factor

Fear of commitment, fear of failure and fear of trusting could paralyze us into not trying again.

Some people are afraid of committing to their partner, or making their relationship official because of doubts that that this is the right person for them. Or perhaps they feel that commitment may ruin their chances of finding a better person. Sometimes, they’ll avoid emotional attachment because having a variety of choices and sexual partners excites them, all while their current partner is left in the dark as to the status of their relationship.

After a failed relationship, some people may be afraid of trying to find love again, and convince themselves they’ll just to fail again. Those who have who have experienced relationships with dishonest and unfaithful partners are particularly vulnerable. They may be end up with serious trust issues and not only be unable to trust others but also doubt their own judgement when it comes to finding partners.

Unrealistic Standards

A lot of people have a list of qualities they want in a partner, such as personality traits, physical attraction and values and interests close to our own and needs updating as we mature and our priorities change.

Unfortunately, if we’re not willing to compromise a little on our list, tunnel vision could cause us to miss a near perfect fit in the peripheral. So keep an open mind and remember that a meeting, even with someone you think ticks all the boxes, is no guarantee that either of you would want to take it further anyway.

Rather than obsessing over the criteria on our list, use the time to discover what type of person they are. After all, it is a ‘getting to know you’ session and not a commitment ceremony, so relax and keep it light. Conversation is the best way to discover the real qualities of a person. Know the questions to ask for the information you seek and use them as part of the conversation. If you both feel comfortable, a second meeting might be a good idea for more in depth discussions, if not, you don’t even have to meet again.

We should definitely strive to maintain high standards, they should be realistic, so keep an open mind or be prepared to be disappointed, every time.

Finding true love

Unfortunately too many of us grew up without ever witnessing a loving relationship between our parents or at the homes of family or friends, leaving us with no realistic understanding of love and relationships. As young children we learnt about love and relationships by watching fairy-tales, over and over, until they were etched in our memories. Not exactly the ideal platform to start from when looking to find the ‘perfect’ romantic partner. 

For one thing, nobody is perfect and while relationships have many perfect moments at any given time, they remain a work in progress as we grow together as partners and as individuals. 

Expecting the fairy-tale version of being swept off your feet and living happily ever after will leave you disappointed each time. While a strong physical attraction could indeed be the start of a romantic relationship, but when the excitement fades it could end quite quickly. 

True love on the other hand may be slower to start and is based on commitment, intimacy, respect, friendship, empathy and faithfulness. These relationships often last forever. 

Spoiled for choice

What started with slow and steady Matchmakers centuries ago has evolved into a super fast DIY search for the perfect match, with the help social media and over 1,500 dating apps and dating sites. Yet, in spite of having more opportunities to meet potential partners than ever before, most singles looking online still struggle to find The One.

Imagine being able to flick through 20 or more possible matches, and perhaps even send a ”hi there” to one that may have sparked your interest at first glance, but you don’t. It turns out we struggle with making decisions when we have too many options. A bit like being in a chocolate factory and having to choose your favorite, favorite! You look at all those options at your fingertips and can’t decide on any of them and they can’t make a decision on their options either.

Online daters is seems, are very choosy, the women in particular. They found around 80% of the men online unattractive, according to OK Cupid’s research. In fact, it seems they put their usual list of values aside and focused on the most handsome and successful men only.

The majority of the women were also match with the handful of attractive and successful men,  the men on the other hand, liked a variety of women. That’s an awfully unbalanced scale but at least a few of the good-lookers of both sexes might end up with dates. Meanwhile, the ‘unattractive’ men and women on the wrong end of the scale are having a hard time, with no responses to their messages leaving them frustrated and depressed.

Some people admit to being satisfied with their online experience, as they should be, having met their perfect match and now living happily in long-term relationships or marriages as proof. Others had no success using the apps but ended up meeting a partner the old fashioned way, with face to face dates.

We mostly love social media but unfortunately many people’s real life, face to face interaction has dropped drastically. Online dating and more recently covid-19 has contributed to increasing the isolation of many tenfold or more.

It’s important to get out of the rut by going outside. Enjoy the fresh air, get some exercise and interact with real people, even if it’s only with eye contact and a smile.

Why is it so easy for some to find love?

If you know someone who never seems to struggle finding a date, even after a painful breakup, it probably not because they have low standards or didn’t have strong feelings for their ex. If you pay attention, you may notice they have a positive attitude and focus on getting on with living and enjoying their lives. Even when they’re not looking for a new relationship, they end up meeting someone worth considering. This actually happens much more often than we realize and is probably linked to the ‘like attracts like’ concept.  

Taking a break to take stock of our situation and realign ourselves and our priorities is important, especially when we’re in a rut from constantly looking for love without success and don’t understand why. 

The law of attraction, (or like attracts like), just like the law of gravity, applies to all things and never stops working. Whether we’re aware of it or not, our thoughts affect our vibration and attract similar things to us in reality. People with positive attitudes, a healthy sense of worth and good self esteem, will generate strong positive vibrations and reap positive rewards as a result.

Of course, our thoughts may be have been influenced by bad experiences, beliefs and attitudes throughout our lives and it will take effort, personal growth and above all, self love, to achieve the positive changes required to attract a positive environment and loving, healthy relationships into our lives.

Will I ever find love?

The chances are that you’ve probably already found love in some form, there’s love between family members, friends, your animals, romantic love and true love.

Most of us would have experience at least one of the first three and eventually we look to find romantic and true love, and yes, the chances of finding love is good.

True love is a decision made by two people to be together and share intimacy and includes friendship, fidelity, respect, admiration and care. Although true love seldom happens instantly, it will grow stronger over time often lasts a lifetime. 

Romantic love is often an instant physical attraction between two people filled with passion and excitement. The relationship usually ends when the excitement and chemistry between the couple fades.

Why is love so hard to find? Our conclusion

Overall, people searching for love have unrealistic expectations and are often unwilling to compromise. 

Negativity and desperation are not sought after traits in a partner. It’s important for to let go of baggage and work on their personal growth.

Constantly thinking and talking about not being able to find a partner makes it worse. Take a break and get some fun doing what you enjoy doing or start a new hobby. You’ll definitely feel better and sometimes, good things happen when you’re not looking.

FAQs on finding love again (or for the first time)

How many people find the love of their life?

According to a survey sample of 2,000 adults, 17% of people said they met the love of their life after they started dating their current long-term partner, so the jury’s not out on the subject of numbers. 

True, or real love does seem to be quite rare, and develops at a slower pace and often last a lifetime, compared to romantic love which is more of a instant physical attraction, happens more often and often fizzles out when the passion fades.

Is it impossible to find true love?

Yes, true love is quite rare. A proportion of the population will never experience a loving relationship and some of them may never have wanted to. Spending your life with someone won’t fix a thing if you don’t fix yourself and by that I mean getting rid of negative thoughts.

It’s not a curse to be single, in fact sometimes it’s a blessing. Instead of worrying about it you should get out there and have some fun. Round up a few friends and take a road trip, find a roller coaster to ride – you get the idea. You’ll feel refreshed and happy afterwards, so remember that feeling and repeat with more of what you fancy, adventures, fun and laughter.

Is finding love just luck?

After being single for what seems like forever, you might start to question if you’re the one to blame. Maybe you think that you’re not trying hard enough or that there’s something wrong with who you are as a person. Whether it’s reassuring or discouraging, though, the reality is that finding love isn’t something that can be achieved through hard work and dedication. In fact, you probably have no control over it at all.

How do I find the love of my life?

It is said that before you can find true love, you have to love yourself. If you don’t how can you expect anyone else to love you. That’s harsh, but true and unfortunately it seems that self love sits at the bottom of most people’s priorities. Self love has nothing to do with vanity but if you’re struggling to find the love of your life it may be because your vibration is too low, the result of negative thoughts about yourself and only you will know and recognize them when you see them and replace them with positive thoughts as soon as possible. And don’t let up either, negatives have a sneaky habit of lurking in the shadow ready to pounce should you falter. Daily meditation using positive affirmations will help speed up the process.

Why do I feel so desperate for love?

It’s likely your vibration levels are low and sending negative vibrations into the universe. It’s important to change your negative opinions of yourself into positive thoughts. Each thought you flip to positive will raise your energy levels. It may take time but keep at it. Accept and acknowledge your true self, warts and all. Use positive affirmations while meditating and in between and especially if you start having negative thoughts.

How do I stop being desperate for love?

Desperation is linked to fear, of being alone, never experiencing true love, being forced to ‘settle’, repeating past mistakes and never being accepted. That’s a long list of negativity messing with your self worth!

You need to break the pattern of negative beliefs about yourself and work on restoring your self esteem and rewire our brain. You need to start believing that the person you are meant to be with is out there, that you are a unique and beautiful person with much to offer the one you love. 

Start by doing something you’ve always enjoyed or always wanted to do, perhaps even a course at work that could lead to promotion. This will help to give your self esteem and confidence the boost it needs. Keep it up, once you finished a project celebrate and pat yourself of the back for a job well done and start on another. Meditating using positive affirmations will help speed things up and do wonders to keep the negative thoughts at bay.

Why do we find love when we least expect it?

The universe already knows what you want and when the time is and place is right, it will happen. Suddenly, without warning, a person you’ve never seen before is making your heart pound! If you both had a strong physical reaction, it may have more to do with a physical attraction than a heart or soul connection and while it may not be your forever relationship, it could certainly give your self esteem a boost. So enjoy while it lasts. 

True love on the other hand is more subtle and when both of you are ready for a long-term relationship it’s worth taking the time to really get to know each other. True love relationships often last a lifetime.  

Written by:
Jade Small